“Oh Bugga.” Part 4
Hi there, here we go with Chapter (Harley Joke?) No.4, Hope you are all getting
into the full OZ accent as you wind through this saga. Annie and I were by now well into
it and the towns on the OZ map rolled by as we thundered North up the coastal road, Taree,
Port Macquarie, Coffs Harbour and Woolgoolga. Here the Pacific Highway leaves the sea and
turns inland towards the eucalyptus forests of “The Bush”. OZ has 500 types of
eucalyptus trees, all called “Gum Trees”. You just might get a bit bored with
gum trees, it’s a “Seen one gum, seen them all” kind of thing, however,
once you discover some facts you just might become interested in gums, we did. For a start
they grow like the clappers, much faster than most other trees, so fast that the bark
can’t keep up with the trunk so it splits open and falls off. The hard wood and any
remaining bark then change colour, according to things like heat, cold, wet, dry, sun,
wind, time of year and so on. A Gum can change colour several times a year. My favourite
is the “Squiggly Gum” it’s very unusual. Bugs living just under the bark
make “Red Biro Pen” squiggles on the rock hard silver wood of the smooth trunk.
As the bark falls off the Biro bugs move on (into lizard food) but the Red Biro Pen
squiggles stay. Looking, for all the world, like your GP’s best sick note
handwriting, know what I mean? Sorry Doc.
To ride a bike through a forest is always fantastic, but here in Australia bikers need to
keep their minds well focused on the track ahead! Strange things happen out in “The
Bush” and you need to be ready for anything. We ran (well almost) into things like,
landslides, fallen trees, birds, swarms of insects, wild horses and kangaroos, some dead
and often being eaten by several large “Bush Hoovers” (six feet long monitor
lizards). Most bush tracks are officially marked, “Unsealed Road” in the real
world read this as “Large deep potholes set between dirt, gravel, rocks and bigger
rocks”. There are real road signs that say “Fix Australia, fix the roads”.
At one fuel stop the guy in the string vest and ex WD shorts, took along look at the bike
then said “Oh Bugga that, bloody big Honda Africa Twin, that’s what ya need out
here, sport”. WE were on a big Harley and it was a case of “Oh Bugga”
followed by “Hang on Rainbow” or “What the bloody hell are we doing up
here” every few yards. We bounced, banged and wobbled our way for rough mile, after
rough mile eventually right into the main street of Grafton. “At last” I said as
we squeezed between two old cars and got the bent tentacle (prop stand) onto the footpath.
Here we brought fuel, cake and 12 large cartons of real orange juice. Then, with several
plastic carrier bags hanging around the bike, we set off again, we now had a very special
delivery to do, for some very special friends.
Forty-nine rough miles further into the bush and we arrive at Nymboida, Australia’s
“Flower Power” capitol of the 60’s. You can tell when you are getting near
to a Bush town because things start to appear, at the side of the track. Things like old
cookers, fridge freezers, milk churns and oil drums. It’s not junk, these things are
two-way private Mail Boxes and anything that can be used as a “Post Box” is
used. Often a little pop up flag is added to inform the owner or the postman that a
letter, or whatever, has been left inside. So, when you see that rusty old watering can
hanging in a tree, bush law says that you leave it well alone. The owner’s house may
well be off the track, out of sight, a mile or more into the bush, it’s a “first
class” system and it works. House numbers relate to the distance (in yards) that the
house is from the main track. Post comes and goes every week when Matilda (the local
post-lady) drives by in her 4 x 4 truck.
Our mates Walter (say it with a V) and Heidi have their bush plot out here, number 741
Martin Road, it’s 741 yards up on the left and about as far from anywhere as you
could ever wish to be, really! Living off the land V & H enjoy a sort of real TV
“It’s a good life” existence. They drink rainwater, collected from their
double size tin roof, eat only what they grow, bath in a river and go to town every month,
if they need to. They often go for weeks without seeing another person, but they have nice
neighbours (right next door!) at 2654, just up the track. Valter is a Swiss German, a
nature expert with a Ph.D in DIY, Heidi is a German from Madagascar, a Jill-of-all-trades,
ex-pearl diver and classical music enthusiast. Like us, they have circumnavigated the
world in a very small yacht, been there and got a pile of T-shirts. “Very Interesting
People”, as you might say. Our late evening meal was a lump of cake (just cake!)
orange juice and some herbal tea. Then we sat, with the cat and the dog, as Heidi, now
wearing her very best flower patterned dress, peered over gold half framed glasses, at her
faded sheet music and played her antique, hand painted, harpsichord! Beethoven, with all
the emotion, all the feeling and all the drama,way out here in the middle of the
Australian Bush, miles and miles from civilisation. A very special moment, in any
biker’s lifetime, that’s for sure! I woke with a start! Annie had heard it too!
Bud-Ump, Bud-Ump.... Bud-Ump! It was close, very close! Me “What’s that?”
Annie “I have absolutely no idea! Me “Oh Bugga”. We lay there, quite still,
flat on the mattress on the floor, (V & H only have the one bed) as this strange sound
sent cold chills down my back. “I’m the boy, so it’s down to me” (Why
me?). Slowly, I rolled over to get up onto one knee, finding my glasses in the same
movement I lifted my head and looked out of the window. “Wow - Look - Quick!” I
was face to face with “A Bloody Big Grey” (adult kangaroo) He sort of stared
straight at me, for a long time, then turned and with another bounding Bud-Ump bounced
along the smooth wooden veranda planks and away over the green and off into rough. Valter
later tells us “Yar, yar, dis iz beings our friend Flymowen, he iz coming every day,
to be zee grassen cutter, diss iz gud ya”. Me “Good, it’s fantastic”
Annie “Quite, wonderful”. Same day, I also walked straight into a two foot long
Frilled Lizard, although we where not exactly face to face, he was not at all impressed.
Turning side on, he flattened his body, made himself look twice as large (like a mini
dinosaur) and let rip with a loud hiss. Both Valter and his book, reckon no lizard is
dangerous, but when you walk straight into one, on his patch, you automatically go into a
very fast back B, B, Bud-Ump mode! Living so close to nature with nothing much to bother
about, other than the “Red bellied Blacks” (one of the worlds most deadly
snakes) that visit the chicken coup or the odd early morning Boot Scorpion or Funnel Web.
we were constantly reminded that there are about 600 species of reptile in Australia and
that there is always a good chance that you will meet something, potentially dangerous,
that requires a very quick mode shift into your Fasty Back Gear.
Sadly however, it was now time for us to go forward, after spending three wonderful,
educational and very thought provoking days with Valter and Heidi, good life as it was, we
had to ride on. Valter came close to me and said “I am having ze problems viz ziss
American engineering’s unt it iz noten gooden ya, please you are trying to stayen on
ze tracken, ya” ”I will do my very best Walter, thanks for feeding us”.
Heidi waved “bye-bye” as we thundered off up the track, “hang on
Rainbow”, I yelled again “Here we go”.
It took us just over two hours to cover the forty-nine, off road, action packed miles back
to Grafton and we have never been so pleased to see real tarmac! Bike riding in this type
of terrain requires that people wear the right gear and a pair of good boots is absolutely
essential. Once back on the main Pacific Highway I managed to get both feet up on the
footrests, relax my grip on the bars (a little) and change up a gear, or two. Soon we pull
into the first fuel stop, find the flat stone and pop it under the bent tentacle. “Oh
Bugga the fuel, first we EAT, right!” All this good life stuff is OK if you are only
six stone soaking wet, but bikers need real grub! “Hello, two double lizard burgers
and chips please”. Next, get the bike seat off, check the dipstick, top up engine oil
and overfill the little petrol tank. Me “Burp! Oh Bugga, I got wind”, Annie
“Excuse me”.
Later same day, “Australia’s Most easterly Point” it’s the sign at
Cape Byron lighthouse. From high on the cliff top, we take in the endless view of the
Pacific Ocean, this is as far as you can go, on this compass bearing, without getting wet.
About a hundred feet below we could see dolphins playing in the waves, further out several
big whales were doing their “Surface, Blow and Tail Flip” show as flocks of sea
birds also dived to feed on shoals of really freaked out fish. All creatures like us, just
living their lives this day. You live all your days too OK, unt I vill zee you allen
againen soonen, Stayen zee Safen, ya.
Trevor Parkes
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